Most of these obstacles are more aggressive than sandy chickpeas, although only some of them are smarter.Ĭhaosbane throws your chosen dwarf, crusty elf, posh elf, or Monty Python extra into a war against the forces of chaos. The clumps give way quickly, but these discrete instances of adversity are enough to, if not shake you from complacency, at least give you a friendly nudge.Ĭhaosbane defines itself in these tiny instances of friction that break up the flow of holding down a button to smoothly mulch through an ocean of solid obstacles. Your once-smooth blending experience is now periodically interrupted by short bursts of resistance, as the powerful blades struggle momentarily against the sandy clumps. That wasn’t paprika at all - you zedonk, you absolute barnacle - but dozens of tiny clumps of sand, arguably the worst spice going. You glance at the empty jars, then recoil in horror. You lovingly stir the correct amount of paprika into the houmous, discard the four empty paprika jars, and continue to blend.

I will make this houmous and then I will take it to cooking class and fling it in the instructor’s eyes, shouting “who uses too much paprika now, Steve?”, as his soft eyeballs melt under the onslaught of searing paprika. Awed by your considerable power, the malleable, pathetic chickpeas offer no resistance.

You press the blender down unto the chickpeas, hold the button down, and wiggle your wrist about in a blendy motion. You have a bowl of chickpeas and an exceptionally effective hand blender. Let’s talk about friction, flow, reward loops, and chickpea paste. Let the merciless torture of wonky metaphors commence.

See that skull? That is the skull of a demon who stood betwixt my axe whirling dwarf and a nice new pair of trousers, for I have been playing angry Topman visit simulator Warhammer: Chaosbane, a serviceable ARPG that’s a fair bit more interesting than Diablo 3 but probably slightly less interesting than a top end hand blender.

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